Can’t both be true?
There’s an interesting thing that happens when you share something your struggling with. Recently I shared a story on facebook about how Ellie was having a few rough sleep days/nights. I got all the typical “you’re doing great, keep going” comments. But I also got a few people reminding me that the “time flies by and some day you’ll miss these moments”. I was kind of put off at first. I follow this comedian on Instagram who did a very poignant musical bit about how both things can be true. You can KNOW that you’ll miss these moments someday AND be desperate for this phase to end. It reminded me of why I named this blog “Grateful AND Grieving”. It’s possible to hold both things in your body at the same time. I was both grateful for the love and support I was experiencing while going through infertility AND grieving my vision of motherhood and life.
Those comments got me thinking about how we interact with those who are just starting the journey that we are farther along on. Whether it’s business, marriage/relationships, parenting, driving etc. We as a species want to pass down wisdom and knowledge. There are sometimes that the advice I’m given feels helpful (meaning, the advice giver wants to be helpful), but there are other times where the advice feels like something other then helpful. Mean isn’t the right word. Ugly isn’t the right word. Depressing isn’t the right word. Regretful maybe? For example, when someone says “I wish we would have done X differently”, it can be said with the hindsight of someone who is passing down wisdom, or it can be said as a judgement of what you are currently doing. I think advice can also be given with sadness. Like the comments about “time flies by, you’ll miss this later”. I think there’s sadness there. Maybe that person didn’t value those difficult moments and they are really reminding their younger self to lean in to the moment.
In the moment when I read that comment my first feeling was that I was being emotionally dismissed or overlooked. I thought “they just don’t get it”. When someone shares something difficult they are going through. Don’t tell them they should feel differently. Don’t tell them all the logical reasons to feel a certain way (ie you’ll miss this later). Just sit with them in the struggle. Let them have a struggle. Let them be uncomfortable. Ask if they need support or ideas on how to get through it. But don’t tell them they are feeling incorrectly. Feelings are just feelings. We as humans, share our experiences in order to build community and relationship. When you give unsolicited advice, neither of those things are possible.
I need to wrap this up because there are like 100 things I want to do in the next half an hour before baby gets up :)
